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yo [15 Dec 2003|01:27pm]
mynew livejournal : brite_fuck


p.s. i already put everyone on my friends list...

3 are so small

i realized something [11 Dec 2003|10:31am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

I realized something while coming upon my livejournal entries. If this, to me, was really a journal I wouldn't write half the stuff I do. I mean, when I write, I'm not writing to my journal, I'm writing to my friends who read my journal.

I don't put any private things. Well, not really. I don't write any of my secrets or feelings really. And it's not cause I'm scared someones going to judge me or anything.. because I really don't care, it's the fact that there is so much I can say that would offend and hurt people. But isn't that what your journal is for? To write shyt that your not able to say. I release all your pessimistic anger?

This is more like a friends bulletin.. letting people know where I am in life at the moment.

Currently.. I am rambling and must go fix my classes. Does anyone want to donate to the Send Rachael To College fund?



[10 Dec 2003|08:51am]
you are an emo pussy. stop whining about how your
girlfriend dumped you and get the fuck over it.
go cry. stop feeling sorry for yourself, cause
everyone is sick of hear it you dumb asshole.

what kind of asshole scene kid are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

awe.. it's sad cuase it's true... except my girlfriend never dumped me.

1 are so small

some more emo writing!!! yay for that!!!!! [09 Dec 2003|11:26am]
[ mood | exanimate ]

I was bored and started remembering Fairfeild, California where I grew up.. and this is the wonderful shyt I came up with... oh boy

sorry if this takes up room on people's pages, but this is my journal so...

She’s walking across the dotted lines of sentences she wrote back in the first grade. Back when her hair was a mousy brass color and her eyes were a drab blue. The glass marbles she dug into the dirt were still sleeping, their cracked surfaces about to split. She’d won several games with them. Where were they now?

She was always the first one under the parachute and the last one out. She was the one who would get chastised for her clumsiness as she pulled the entire thing down from the sky. Down to the burning ground where her sneakers were planted. Her toes poked out the sides, but she didn’t notice.

The California heat was a blanket over her bare arms.

Her fingers barely grasped the elastic ball. It bounced through her legs and down the hall. Wandering off into some sort of unknown closet where she seemed to lose everything she wanted to let go of. And it sat there, bouncing quietly, betrayed by it’s former owner. The ball would quit bouncing and she’d skip away into a hard jump rope pulled by the fingers of two friends.

She was the quickest at catching the butterflies in her fruit cup containers. She was the best at keeping them alive all through class after recess. She was the one who let it go when the bell rang and watched it fly away until the sun blinded her vision. It’s disheveled spirals would tempt her imagination and she’d chase it’s rainbow colors over and under the swing set until someone would faintly call her name. But she wouldn’t listen. She was the one who never listened.

She was the one who would laugh when someone pulled her hair. She was the one who thought it was wrong to pull back. The bruises along her knees were nothing compared to the sunburn on her cheeks. And the sun seemed to be her only friend. In it, she would find the last inches of sunshine that would allow her to be outside for five more minutes. Outside she would lye on the ground at eye level with the snails and prick her fingers with the tumbleweeds. She’d throw rocks on the roof to hear them make music down the gutters, and at the end she would have a bucket where she would carry the rocks back home. Her mother told her she needed to find a place for the rocks or else she would have to throw them back into the park of the old apartment complex that they lived at.

She was the one who left the rocks on the doorstep.

She was the first one outside with an umbrella when it began to hail. She’d watch the crystals magically fall from the sky and land gracefully in her webbed cup. Taking her small fingers, she would dig through to find the biggest stone and perpetually gaze at it’s shiny surface before licking it with her warm, pink tongue. And she would giggle as it melted on her taste buds and froze the inside of her mouth. All this of course happened before her mother could snatch the umbrella and turn it upside down.

“I need this to go to work.” She’d say without even asking.

With a quick kiss on the forehead and a clip of her high heels, she’d be off towards the streets, disappearing in the windy ice storm.

It would be months until she actually saw snow. There would be no more snails and tumbleweeds and the sun would set behind the water instead of the mountains. Soon she would be wearing weird socks that went up her calf and would always have to wear shoes, even in the summer. And soon, she realized as she saw the smoke rise from behind the old Chevy, she’d have to grow up and go to work too.

And as she sits and watches the snow fall outside her window in her new home, she remembers the way it felt to run barefoot through the streets after the ice cream truck. She remembers the Indian clay at the park that you could find if you dug in the same spot long enough. She remembers dragon flies, peacocks, potato bugs, lizards, wild horses, ranches, snakes, and shooting stars. She remembers rickety docks with fishing pools and fresh water lakes. She remembers mountains and deer, and hitchhikers and people riding throughout town on donkeys. Everything was always being built. Everything was always new and far apart. Everything was dry and bland.

She’s the one who is all grown up. And she still doesn’t listen. And she still remembers what it feels like to have the dry dust of a late evening circulate inside her lungs.


2 are so small

oye [09 Dec 2003|10:51am]
i think i skipped part of my french exam.. oh shit...

OsaDePhalema: i dont wanna suck his peee pee
myEMOtional diet: why
myEMOtional diet: ?
myEMOtional diet: who cares if ur dirty
OsaDePhalema: because thats how i got this std
myEMOtional diet: ahaha
myEMOtional diet: -lol-
myEMOtional diet: yes it traveled from your mouth down to ur vag
OsaDePhalema: i knowe
myEMOtional diet: and i think now its infecting ur brain



[08 Dec 2003|09:33pm]
You are DORY!
What Finding Nemo Character are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

you see that.. it says mad skills.... mad skills...



oh man.. this is lj material... [07 Dec 2003|10:10pm]
[ mood | sore ]

I totally just went sledding and kicked my own ass after the FIRST time going down.

So much for being fucking adventurous.. see where it get's me?

So there this litte bump right. At the bottom of one of the hills we went sledding on. Now, me... minding my own sweet business... decides to start from the top... three hills before the jump. I'm sledding and I almost hit this kid, but instead, he tanks me in the head with his sled because he couldn't jump out of the way fast enough. It was one of those hard ones too... fucker. So I'm backwards and I decide to turn myself around just in time to hit this straight up and down pile of snow. I wouldn't even call it a jump.. it was more lyk a giant clump. So I hit it going God knows how fast and all I remember is thinking I knocked my tooth out and realizing I was face first in the snow and my foot was really cold. All I hear is a bunch of guys saying "Holy shit! Are you alright?!" and people were just staring at me. When I get scared or nervous I laugh so I just burst and went crazy rolling around in the snow. Since the hill was so steep, Adam, Bran, and Ben didn't even see my fateful fall.. and Rachael was busy ramming herself into the fence at the bottom, so nobody but the people around me saw it. They thought I was dead... they were just staring and saying "Oh man, she tanked that!" So I open my eyes.. realize I'm alive but can't breath (cus i got the wind knocked out of me) and I started searcing for my boot. You know you take a rough tumble when your shoe goes flying while you're airborne. And then I started moving my hand and my fingers started popping out of the joints. I felt lyk a fucking skeleton and my jaw was lyk cracking. It was insane. And everyone was talking about it when me and Rach went to the car to leave and go get hot chocolate. They were doing re-inactments of my sick skills and then pointing at me. I told them I did it on purpose and if they had enough balls they would have tried it to. I'm such a leader. Everyone wanted to make the jump after me. Oh yeah.

So that was my eventful night. Oh yeah and when we were walking back from getting hot chocolate all of a sudden Rachael and I are having a livley conversation until she punches me in the face and takes one for the team. I swear her feet flew over her head. Thank God I was holding the hot chocolate. Also, for all you sickos out there.. Rach left a nice little piddle of yellow snow by the bushes... in the middle of the park.

We then proceeded to the Seven Hills where Ben, Rach and I decided to make a snow penis that came out lyk Mary sitting with her legs crossed. Rach drew a pretty face but then Adam decided he wanted to take it in the ass and sat on the end of our penis. It was quite tragic.

But anyways.. this was one fuckin long day.. and I think one fucking long entry. I think updated today already. I'm all wet (oh baby) so I'm going to change...




adventure [07 Dec 2003|11:34am]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

I wish that I knew what to get people for Christmas. I wish that when I went to the mall and took money out... I ended up spending it on other people instead of myself.

I really hate the theatre program and BCC, but I feel lyk it's necessary for me to be a part of it. It's just some more experience. But it fucking sucks. But also I wasn't making any money, and that's why, since I'm finally working again and making money, I've been spending it on myself. I blame it on my shows!

I really wish my boss wasn't a dick head to me sometimes. I'm closing Monday, Friday, and Saturday next weekend... the only days I'm working. That's not right, and it's not fair. He can't still be punishing me! Oh and to make things worse.. I show up to work yesterday... I'm the only busser they called in. Besides Dan who had to do the banquet. Six people they called out.. fucking six... because "I live closer..." How about you suck my dick?

People are ridiculous too... I was waiting for a party of 15 to leave at ten at night. I wanted to shoot their asses.

Some good news? I had pudding and slim jims last night.

Some more bad news? My room is a mess and I feel lyk a partypooper all the time.

Looking back...

+ last 80s night i went to.. i fell asleep...and went home

+ the next 80s night, i wanted to go get tattoos instead.. and it was closed... so i went home

+ went to the green room... got womanly sick... and went home

+ last night, everyone wanted to fuck around in the snow... and i wanted to go home... because i was cold and wanted to cuddle... and i thought tha doing donuts about a foot away from metal poles and snowbanks was dangerous.

fuck me.. i promise to be more adventurous (sp?) starting... now



[06 Dec 2003|02:46pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

u know what bullshit is?

when it's snowing lyk we live in alaska... and i still have to go to work.

that's bullshit...


3 are so small

Kayte's my name.. and emo is my game [03 Dec 2003|08:41am]
I’m a stone crack away from going crazy. And that’s just what you want. Because I’m out of reach and your hand is just lingering there. Waiting.

I wish that when I wrote, I could use big words like all the other kids. And then I remember that I’m not like them. I’m not as artistic as they are, and sometimes I wonder if that’s a bad thing. And then, what if someone looks at their work and thinks what they have come up with is complete crap. I know sometimes I do. But their best friends will find it worthwhile to read. And they’ll compliment you up and down, leaving hickeys all over your talented body.

I’d have you suck the life out of me if it meant I would be able to write wiser. And your cold hands could skim my body and make me shake with an uncontrollable heat. Because we belong together, and you are my words on filthy paper.

Everyone was right, but isn’t that the way it always goes? It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask permission. And that’s exactly why I did it without asking. And that’s exactly why I’m not asking for your forgiveness.

It’s a bottle filled with grunge that’s waiting to eat your heart out. Hurry up and open it before the slime slips out the seams. Your eyes will dance across that bottle until you figure out it’s origin. And all over again you’ll be experiencing it’s trials. And your heart will do tumbles, and your appendix will shout with flip-flops, but you’ll still be breathing. Just remember, you’ll still be breathing.

You’ve taken advantage of something more pure than yourself. You’ve tried to consume the innocence and the poise. The return of promises that come out wrong, but once you’ve spoken, you can’t take it back. You can never take anything back. You coward. You fucking bastard. Your adrenaline ticks like a broken music box crying as it squelches one more time. I could consume your ego and spit it out raw and wriggling, waiting for a bite. I have you, arms twisted, reluctant and smart, but poise and innocent you’re not. You’ll never be. And everyone knows what you are. And everyone has had their doubts. And you’ve secured your promises. They’re still all wrong. But you can’t return them, and I sure as fuck am not giving them back.

So crack me open and find out what makes me tick. Go on, I know you’re waiting. I can see you running away. I can see that you’re scared, chasing excuses and racking your brain for some wisdom. So that makes me the brave one. You’ve always got to have a brave one, you know. Because with people like you in this world, holding on to the brave one is harder than you thought. And letting go of the people like you is even harder.

why do I continue to post my disgusting work? Because it's my fucking journal so get the fuck over it...



sowry so short [03 Dec 2003|08:16am]
[ mood | crappy ]

So I'm in my class... 8 o'clock this morning.. just to find out that it's cancelled. I need to look into those things more often.

Right now this is what I have to do. My Mise en Ouerve for French and then I need to trudge my ass over to A Building to sign up for an advisement meeting. I don't know why I put it off until now. Doesn't this just suck balls.

My life as of right now sucks balls wicked bad.

I love Brandon more than life itself. I love him so much...

I wish that my body didn't hurt so bad.

All I wanna do right now is cuddle. Forever.



[02 Dec 2003|08:03pm]
"I'm sinking like a stone in the sea
I'm burning like a bridge for your body..."

this song is my inspiration...

I am heaven sent. Don't you dare forget. I am all you've ever wanted. What all the other boys all promised. Sorry I told. I
just needed you to know. I think in decimals and dollars. I am the cause to all your problems. Shelter from cold. We're
never alone. Coordinate brain and mouth. Then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out. I wish I knew. I hope
this song starts a craze. The kind of song that ignites the airwaves. The kind of song that makes people glad to be where
they are with who ever they're there with. This is war. Every line is about who I don't wanna write about anymore. I hope
you come down with something they can't diagnose, don't have the cure for. Holding on to your grudge. Oh, it's so hard to
have someone to love. And keeping quiet is hard. Cause you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start. At least
pretend you didn't want to get caught. We're consentrating on falling apart. We were contenders, now throwing the fight. I
just wanna believe... in us. Oh, were so contraversial. We are entirely smooth. We admit to the truth. We are the best at
what we do. And these are the words you wish you wrote down. This is the way you wish your voice sounds. Handsome and smart.
Oh, my tongue's the only muscle in my body that works harder than my heart. And it's all from watching TV. And from speeding
up my breathing. Wouldn't stop if I could. Oh, it hurts to be this good. You're holding on to your grudge. Oh, it hurts to
always have to be honest with the one that you love. Oh, so let it go. This is the craze only we can bestow. This is the price you pay for loss
of control. This is the break in the battle. This is the closest of calls. This is the reason you're alone. This is the
reason you fall. We're consentrating on falling apart. We were contenders, now throwing the fight. I just wanna believe... in us.

2 are so small

help [29 Nov 2003|05:15pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

ohkay... I'm hoping to gain some cooperation with this so please comment.

I'm writing a play that might possibly be performed on an actual stage and might even make it to New York.

All I wanna know is.. what are some of your pet peeves? Don't be shy, write them all!!! I really wanna know! I'll be using them for character development and some of them for a scene I'm thinking of.



3 are so small

woohoo [27 Nov 2003|11:15am]
its about time for a new layout folks. and that is just what i did.. yay.

my mom is being a stupid fucking bytchy nag this morning and she is fucking pissing me off. happy thanksgiving my ass...



so [26 Nov 2003|11:27am]
so i decide that im going to study for my math test next class and what do i do? leave my book in the previous class room. Not only did I just recently bomb a French test, but now I can't even study for this damn math test. And I NEED my math book to study so I can some problems and such. I am going to fail miserably and have to take the same icky course over again. I think I might do the placement testing again. I'm going to see about that and I definitely want my pin number so I can sign up for my classes. I must do that too. Althought I'll be signing up late, I don't think I'll have to fight people for theatre and english classes. pshhttt.. lame



grr [26 Nov 2003|11:17am]
static cling can kiss my ass yo

1 are so small

and they're off [25 Nov 2003|06:23pm]
[ mood | awake ]

my room is clean! thanks the gods and heavens above! it was possible.

I get to train for hostessing on wednesday at the tuscan. It's cool.. I just don't want them giving me a full time shift as one. Cus after that they'll probably make me a cocktail waitress.. and then it's downhill from there. Caitlin has done everything there but bartend... so that's cool. I want to bartend. Or maybe I just want to drink all the time.. and get paid for it.

I am the best. My room is so0o0o0o0o0o clean.

Going to 80s night. I have an irky feeling that it's not going to be fun. :|

The play sucked. As if that wasn't expected. People may tell you otherwise. Don't believe a word of it. I don't blame Fi for not going.. but it would have been nice if she showed up. Oh well.. onto bigger and better things for her I guess..


1 are so small

blek [18 Nov 2003|08:51am]
[ mood | awake ]

yucko... I know I have my assignment around here somewhere.

Some interesting news? Nothing much.

I thought I had something interesting to say.. but I think I forgot. Therefore.. it musn't have been too interesting.

Thinking about another new theme for my livejournal. This time I might just do a full background with scrolling entries. Yeah.. possibly. ::yawn::

I need to sleep. Hopefully the show will turn out okay, but I doubt it.

+ because I hate it
+ there is too much pressure
+ it takes us two days to do a run-through
+ I am tired
+ did I mention that I hate it?

So n e ways...

A- on my history exam. Not sure if I mentioned that already. Hey.. I deserve bragging rights god damnit. Yeah, but I got lyk a 60 on the French quiz I had that same day. God hates me. He knows I need to pass that class to even get thought about for other colleges.

Had the nastiest tea this morning. I know nobody really cares but this is my journal and I feel lyk talking about it. It was earl grey and it was Starbucks, but I didn't read how it said black noir on the package. So therefore it was black noir earl grey. Most disgusting thing on the face of the earth. It took me a few sips to realize that it wasn't just a minty aftertaste and a retarded stench. It was black licorice. I sipped again.. and again.. and the black licorice became more and more prominent. I think I almost threw up and the taste is still residing within my mouth. How disturbing.

I am a first class slacker.

I am also.. very random.

I told Brandon not to go to 80s night. Why? I don't know.. it just felt right at the moment. I have to openly admit that when we all went on my birthday.. I didn't have fun. I felt lyk someone was always watching me.. waiting to make shure I didn't do anything. I felt obligations and restrictions that I've never felt. I was self-conscious and extremely perturbed the entire night. I just wanted to disappear and never come back. But then the last time I went I had a blast. And.. no.. not because I was tipsy and trying to get my mac on with everyone... but I seriously had fun. From the moment I walked in the door it seemed lyk the air lifted and I was just riding out the night. It was so extremely invigorating. I need to stop my inspirational monolguesque talk. Now I must.. go do nothing. Search the web maybe? Read everyone's wonderful entries.

Maybe I'll check my stocks.

Or maybe.. I won't...



love me [17 Nov 2003|08:43pm]
80s night tommorow night.. thinking about wearing a chastity belt

heh o.O



survey man [13 Nov 2003|09:07am]
You know you're tempted to click it.. you know you want to.. so why don't you just do it already?Collapse )

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